Squirrel-Proof Fabric
Apr 7
Maybe you like squirrels, but the jury is out for me. Raccoons are definitely on my shit list: They broke through the foundation of my house and built a McMansion amongst the pier posts, then tried to break up with me by treating me badly. That didn't work. They didn't run me off.

When I demolished my rotting wooden deck and turned it into a metal festival (Pic 1), I won the raccoon war. Those suckers hate hate hate the industrial decking and took off for another a house with a more traditional look. What can I say? Haters gonna hate.

But. But. The freakin' squirrels love my metal deck. They treat it like a huge squirrel playground. All the built-in flower boxes are basically feeding troughs, and they have mined them all winter. They scamper around like it's an obstacle course, ringing bells (Yes, there's a little bell on the deck that they like to ring at 7am), and ping-ponging across all my gas cans. They have no predator out there - certainly there are no raccoons - and with all the seeds and roots in my flower pots, those damn squirrels have expanded to the size of house cats. This mild winter was very kind to them, and their girth is now a bit obscene.

I had a brilliant idea last October. Since some of my outdoor furniture was under shelter, why cover it? Bugs love to nest under the furniture covers, and I thought skipping the covers would translate to skipping the bugs. Genius! Yep. You know where this is going, right? As usual, I forgot how my genius ideas usually turn out. Sure, there are no bug nests in my vintage Heywood Wakefield wicker set this spring, but the squirrels ate every last cushion out there. Ate them. They ate the covers, the stuffing, everything. They left the wicker, which is good. They also demolished the upholstery on the couches on my front porch. These are antique outdoor couches made from wine barrels. They weigh roughly one million pounds, and have survived 80 plus years on various porches. Until now. Until the f***ing bionic squirrels at my house ate the upholstery. Now those old couches look like crap. (Pics 2 and 3) And the worst part? Those damn squirrels don't stop eating until I open the door, tap them on the shoulder, and brandish a shovel at them. They're brazen f***ing squirrels. And they're really well-fed.

So here's my problem. I need to recover some furniture. I don't want to use new fabric. I would like to use vintage or salvaged cloth. I'm meeting with the people at Revive Upholstery, hopefully soon, to discuss this issue. They work with vintage fabrics. When I got them on the phone, I asked if they had anything squirrel-proof. They didn't laugh, which was nice, and they suggested old army tents. That could work. But surely someone out there has had this problem? And maybe has some recommended fabric - something that will keep the squirrels away? Vintage wool blankets are probably a terrible idea.

What would squirrels hate? Those critters are currently winning. And it will be summer soon. I need to up my game.
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